An open letter to every man in my life past, present, and future
So being a Fat Girl my whole life I can speak of this from elementary days and I think this is what makes this even more powerful. So being a fifth grader where you are almost coming into your own and you are really starting to like boys being a fat girl could be mega hard. All the boys want to fool around with the skinny girls who are just blossoming and their boobs are taking shape so the boys are uber curious. When you are a little fat girl you have boobs just from being fat so they don’t look like the other girls boobs.
While everyone is playing “tag” or really free feels your just there because you’re really just too fat to run around that fast and the boys are not even trying to touch you. Middle school comes around and finally your body is taking shape but you’re still the fat girl. There is that one boy who is feeling you but because no one is feeling him so because you are both two lonely pre-teens trying to feel some kind of important you become “Boyfriend and Girlfriend”. You feel so important finally you are on the same level as the rest of the girls in your grade. You have a man and everyone knows it and he is even in the grade older than you. So now you really feel like you’re the SHIT.
Elementary school comes to an end and you embark on High School. So you decided you wanted to go to an ALL GIRL HIGH SCHOOL. High school starts and at first you feel so grown , your heading to school on your own , you ride the bus alone you are feeling very grown. Then as the days go on you realize the all boy schools come and wait outside the all-girl schools for the girls to come out. Day after day you pass these catholic school guys and you’re just tormented every time you pass by them. You hear EARTHQUAKE, WHALE, FATTY, and WHOOAAAAAA. Never a hey Mami let me talk to you. So every day you dread dismissal time. Finally after a year and a month of all girl schooling you make a change you go to a catholic CO-ED School. Yes finally boys that seem to be nice. School is finally enjoyable you are accepted by everyone, you actually become one of the most popular girls in the school. You have more guy friends than girls. HMMMM this could be great this could not be great. You join every after school extracurricular you can and your meeting SOOOOOO MANY BOYS. This is wonderful but you still don’t have a boyfriend. Then one day this quiet kid in your class catches your eye, a Latino Leonardo Dicaprio and OMG is he gorgeous. You guys become friends then the letter passing begins and these letters are lengthy. You guys run home to hop on AIM (America Online for you young folks) and talk for hours it’s almost like you guys are made for each other, in your head you’re practically dating. You two literally do everything together LITERALLY. Everyone knows that he and you are pretty much inseparable. Then one day you overhear a rumor that he got a Blowjob in the stair case from a girl who was never even mentioned EVER. There is where things get weird and your heart breaks because obviously she gave him such a great oral lesson they start dating.
So you try to move on but this boy was your “SOULMATE”. Like I said before you were friends with SO MANY boys that you have plenty of distractions to keep you busy. Then you start to realize all of your girlfriends are getting into relationships with boys but you have yet been asked out. All of the guys love you , your super close to so many hanging out at their houses , they pick you up to go shopping, I mean these guys are your ride or dies but your STILL SINGLE. One day your over one of your best guy friend’s house and things go a little further than you expected and you start to fool around and there is kissing and touching. You can’t believe it. You actually think like why aren’t you asking me to be your girl? It’s cool for you to put your tongue down my throat and to touch your boobs but when it comes to school time your back to just being friends. Once again it’s because you’re the fat girl. No one wants to be seen dating the FATGIRL. I could go on and on about boys kissing me behind closed doors but I think you get the picture. All High School as many boys that I had who liked me and kissed me and whatever’d with me I never was able to say this is my boyfriend.
No College comes around and here I am still the Fat Girl. I am away at college so the freedom is something that I never knew. Late night partying boys coming over to your room at whatever time they want. THIS IS AMAZING. Freshman year goes by not even one hookup. Great this is how my life will be for the rest of my life I need to just accept this now. Sophomore year roles around and OH SHIT the boys are becoming interested. I started becoming friends with the basketball players, the football players come on it can’t get any better. All these hot guys and I am actually getting tongue action from some ok my flirting game has really come into play this is awesome. You become best friends with one of the most sought out new guys in the school. I mean this guy and you are inseparable you guys snuggle together, you are literally best friends. You start messing around with a football player and things get weird between you two. You two even go into a discussion about what are you guys to each other because if your just friends then why is he mad at what you’re doing. Even though secretly you wish he would tell you he wants you to be his because he is just THAT DAMN FINE. So you kiss a couple of more frogs and then boom you fall hard for one of them like you fall in love for the first time. You start spending a lot of time with this person. You give yourself to this person in every way imaginable and then one day you find out that he went and slept with someone close to you.
You feel like you’re going to die but you move on.
You find someone new and you start dating and things seem to be going great and then you get PREGNANT and now you become the ultimate fat girl. Now you have all this extra weight and you really feel as though no man will ever look at you again. You have the nastiest C-Section scar and you just know that your body is way more fucked up than what it was before. You realize you just have to suck it up and deal with the things that you can’t help. You meet someone you think is worthy of your time finally, and guess what they were lying the whole time about not being with someone and on top of that they have a baby on the way. WHAT A SCUM BAG. You finally start dating a man that you think well this has to be it! The relationship last past a year and then past two years and you start thinking this man is the one. Then you find out he cheated on you. You take him back like a dumbass and he does it again, and again, and again. WOW this right here shows the lack of self-confidence I had in myself. How can I at any point allow myself to be treated this way? A woman with such a brain and knowing her self-worth but ignoring the situation just so that she can feel some kind of love and attention. Well finally after a number of years I learned and that guy had to go.
Now to my future whoever you are….. I have lived a lifetime of hurt and pain. I was never accepted by a man because in their eyes MY BODY was not worthy. I go beyond my body…. My mind, my heart, my presence exceeds the outside appearance. If you’re willing to take time to get to know this Woman I can guarantee you will find out that there is something special inside. To all of the woman who finds this story hitting close to home don’t worry you are not alone and I hope that you will walk away from reading this knowing that if you are in a situation where you’re not being treated the way you deserve to, then try and get the strength to walk away. It is easier said than done but I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone and we all deserve to be happy. I love you Dolls and I hope me sharing this with you will help you Dolls along your own journey to find love.
Who's That Girl Dana? 